The Story Behind the Action: Assumptions, Intent & Conflict

The Story Behind the Action | Assumptions, Intent & Conflict

It’s been hard to miss the FIFA World Cup over the past few weeks.

As much as the football itself, I’ve found myself watching the conversations that follow it.

A player commits a foul, and almost immediately the debate begins.

“That was malicious.”

“He knew exactly what he was doing.”

“He was looking for the penalty.”

“He’s trying to influence the referee.”

Within moments, we’ve moved beyond what happened to why it happened.

Listening to it all, I found myself wondering how any of us could be so certain.

Perhaps we’re right. Sometimes we probably are.

But watching from the comfort of my sofa, with slow-motion replays, multiple camera angles and endless commentary, I realised something.

Even with all that information, I still couldn't see what was going on inside the player's mind.

I could see the action.

I couldn’t see the intent.

That rarely stopped me deciding what it was.

The thought stayed with me long after the final whistle because I'm not sure football is the only place this happens. I think we do it every day.

The more I work alongside leadership teams, the more I’ve come to believe this is a quiet force behind so much unnecessary conflict.

We rarely disagree only about what happened.

More often, we disagree about why it happened.

A leader delays a decision.

Someone leaves a meeting unusually quiet.

A colleague asks another difficult question.

The behaviour is visible.

The intent is not.

But our minds are remarkably good at filling in the blanks between the two.

They’re trying to control things.

They’ve already made up their mind.

They don’t trust me.

By the time we finally sit down to talk, we're often no longer responding to what happened.

We're responding to the stories we've told ourselves about why it happened.

The more I notice this, the more I realise conflict grows in the space between what we see and what we assume.

We observe behaviour and assume intent.

So perhaps we should hold our conclusions a little more lightly.

We can’t see another person’s intent, but we can come to understand it.

Not by assuming, but by asking.

By making room for the story we don’t yet know.

I’ve found that changes conversations—not because conflict disappears, but because it creates room for understanding.

I wonder whose story I’ve completed before I’ve taken the time to understand it.

Paul

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